Oooompffff…

I’m gonna be honest, because that’s what this is about…

Today was tough for me. The way it started just automatically put me in a bad mood. Maybe I was just having “one of those days”, and was more sensitive. (I’ve been worn out lately) Anyways, my husband had somewhere to go to this morning…hanging out with the guys. I know he’s been working so hard and needs his down time to hang out, which is why I was ok with letting him go. However, he had told me he would get home around a certain time and ended up getting home 2 hours later. I was wrong about his driving being the most challenging, this was tougher, at least today it was. Like I mentioned before, we hardly ever get true quality time so I am very sensitive to time management. If he says a certain time, it bothers me when it doesn’t happen. I know I need to learn to be a tad more flexible, but it’s hard. It’s especially hard when I’m home by myself with three small kids who are all high maintenance. My 7 wk old who DOES NOT EVER LET ME PUT HIM DOWN, my 2 year old who gets into EVERYTHING, and my 6 yr old who always has a million questions to ask… not to mention having to bathe all three this morning, on top of cleaning the house. I know I didn’t have to take it all on by myself, but I couldn’t help seeing the mess anymore. I was getting worn out and every 15 minutes that went by past the time I was expecting him, just made my blood boil even more.

Usually when this would happen I would send him texts that probably wouldn’t be considered the nicest texts ever. This time, I gave it time. Once it got over an hour past, I couldn’t wait any longer. I texted him. I remained a lot calmer than before though, which WAS an improvement, HA. I just said, “my patience is wearing thin” instead of “this is ridiculous…you have no consideration…what is the deal?….you always do this”….and so on. So I would say I did make a conscious effort and improved on that. Once the next hour approached I knew I needed God’s help to calm me down lol. I’m really not trying to sound cheesy. With each child begging for my attention, my patience was really being tested. Don’t get me wrong, I want my husband to enjoy his time, but in the circumstance I was in, I wasn’t being the most rational.

When he finally arrived, my defense mechanisms kicked in and I ignored him ( I didn’t want to say something I would later regret). I know this wasn’t the best way to handle it, but it seemed to be at the time. He tried to explain why he was late (which WAS a valid excuse), but I still was annoyed. All I wanted was for him to text me and update me. Tell me he was running late or at least make more of an effort to be more aware of the time. Once I realized I had to talk to him again, I vocalized my issues (as least offensive and rational as I could) and was done with it. We were both defensive at points, but we kept it short. He had to end up leaving within the next hour to go to work. Before he left, we settled down our emotions enough to be ok and kiss each other goodbye (our unspoken apology lol).

Once he left I started to think and realized that me getting worked up wasn’t worth it. I should have spend that little time I had with him loving him, instead of being angry with him. That’s something I have such a hard time with.

Putting my anger aside and seeing the big picture. 

The whole point of why I was angry in the first place was because he cut into our quality time, now I am with my anger. I know taking on this challenge didn’t mean I couldn’t get upset over things, but that I just needed to learn how to express my issues better…to not get mad over STUPID things or manage my emotions more maturely. I do feel like I did ok this time around, but I know I could have done even better. I give myself a 5 out of 10 lol.

We all know life is tough and we aren’t always perfect in how we handle things. That’s the nature of being HUMAN. The most important thing to realize is that WHEN we make mistakes, we take responsibility for them and apologize.

Apologize.

Saying your sorry and showing it…without expecting something in return. True remorse is wanting to change yourself, not expecting to change others. The cool thing about it though, is that through changing yourself, others will begin to change.

I forced myself to get over my pride, stop throwing myself a “pity party”, and just apologize. I texted him (knowing that he couldn’t talk on the phone) and said “I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you and that’s why I’m so sensitive”. It’s hard putting down your anger to say something nice. It’s worth it when you do though. It breaks down emotional walls that is so freeing. It’s hard to explain, but just try it, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Stopping myself in my tracks and intentionally trying to see the good instead of the bad is so refreshing. Deep inside of me, behind all the surface anger when tension arises, I know my husband’s intentions are in the right place. I know he’s not meaning to hurt me. He loves me. I have to remember that. There’s still a KING inside. I just have to help him bring it out…even if I have to force it out : ).