Well going into this challenge I never said getting into an argument wasn’t possible and that every post would be some happy hunky dory tell-all. This is life and I’m gonna be honest with you. I did have a good day and the argument my hubs and I had didn’t take anything away from the rest of the time we spent together.

With all that said, I’d like to talk about arguments…

Arguments….there’s a right and wrong way in having them. Being in an argument isn’t wrong. It’s all a part of maintaing a healthy marriage. Some things hurt and are offensive, but that’s a part of having to live with another HUMAN. WE ALL FIGHT. There’s no guilt in that. A fight doesn’t have to start with a bad attitude, it could just be something that the other person did that could cause hurt. Another reason could be just not seeing eye to eye with a particular thing that matters. Fights are GOING TO HAPPEN.

It’s HOW we argue that makes it a right or wrong issue.

So the argument my husband and I had tonight had nothing to do with either of us having a bad attitude. It was just a disagreement with something that was of high importance within our marriage. Something that just hurt me because we didn’t see eye to eye with this particular issue. I could have really overreacted like I use to before this challenge. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t completely calm Annie, but I did have way more self control than I use to. I processed my thinking this time, before I would just spit out words. It really made a difference with how the fight maintained in not escalating way worse than it could have. It IS possible to think before you speak in the height of anger, I promise. It’s not easy, to say the least, but we all know it’s possible. It’s just a matter of will power. However, if the mistake is made (because it’s bound to happen), be quick to own up to it. There were many points in our “conversation” where I spewed out something that wasn’t the most mature way to make my point come across. With saying it the wrong way, I noticed how quickly the tone of the argument would turn. It would escalate. Instead of him UNDERSTANDING what I was trying to say, he became more defensive and began to say things that were completely off base and things he didn’t even mean.

Since starting this challenge, I’ve become more in tuned with my weaknesses. Admitting to myself what I have to fix and work on. Because I’ve been “quicker to think and slower to speak”, this time,  I wasn’t going to let the argument get out of control. I made up my mind. I wasn’t going to feed into my anger to the point of losing control. There are some helpful ways to manage this during a fight…

1. Listen to him fully and DON’T INTERRUPT him when he’s trying to explain something. Interrupting can only lead to assuming and assuming could lead to more hurt….making the fight bigger than it needs to be. (ain’t no body got time fo’ dat)

2. Be careful of your tone. You don’t want him to think you’re being condescending and “parent-like”. When I made an effort in HOW I would say certain things, he was way more receptive. When my tone turned for the worse, I quickly put myself in check and told him “I’m not trying to be your mom. I don’t want to be. I don’t judge you or look down on you.”…It’s okay to remind him of that to make sure he doesn’t feel that way.

3. Keep your volume in check. The louder you get, the more defensive the other person gets and then things get out of control. It’s funny how a higher volume accompanies anger. It’s ok to raise your voice to some degree, just keep it under control.

4. Limit the cursing, especially if the kids are around. I’ll admit, a few choice words are said when I’m really angry. There’s just something about saying certain things that gives a release. However, keep in mind that if not controlled, it can lead to a worse discussion. Also, if the kids are home (even if they are in the other room) they can still hear to some degree and they’re sponges. It’s never appropriate for a kid to repeat certain choice words.

5. Speaking of which, keep the kids out of it…literally. They don’t need to hear you argue. We tend to say things we don’t mean and understand this concept…kids do not. Their little minds over process and next thing you know “stupid daddy is divorcing stupid mommy” which leads me to my next point…

6. Don’t use the “D” word (divorce) and try to keep the name calling near zilch. It’s hard, I know. If I don’t like someone calling me stupid, why would I call him stupid. You still need to maintain speaking life to your husband….even amongst anger. Words hold power even if we don’t realize it.

7. Own up to your mistakes. If you know you did or said something wrong, be QUICK to apologize for it. Force yourself past your pride and just ADMIT TO THE WRONG. What’s the point in putting off the apology? Is it REALLY satisfying? Is it at all going to help the situation? No. So just say “I’m sorry”. Two simple words that are the most difficult to admit. At one point I said something that on any other occasion I’m not okay with saying. I was so angry that it just flew out. Like I said, you’re gonna slip up. I just broke through my prideful moment and apologized right after I said it. I said, “I’m sorry for saying that, I’m not okay with what I just said, so I’m sorry”. By admitting to your wrongs, even though it may not end the argument, it certainly breaks down emotional walls to help ease a lot of hurt.

8. Last, but not least….try and UNDERSTAND him. TRY and see things the way he does. His intentions, for the most part, are in the right place. Bottom line, he loves you and he truly doesn’t want to hurt you. You make mistakes, he makes mistakes…remember that. The more effort you put into trying to understand where he’s coming from, the calmer you react.

When I kept these things in mind during the “discussion” we had tonight, it allowed me to remain a lot calmer this time around. The fight resolved much faster. Why? Because I made the choice to end it. I love my husband despite his mistakes. Let’s face it, the more you love the person, the more hurt you feel by them. So change the perspective in the way you see a fight. If you both didn’t care, you wouldn’t even be fighting in the first place.